Speak Softly
by Louvampyer
Summary: Bare fic, preBare just before the show starts. an attempt to get into Peter's head with no real plot... Just Peter thinking about his life and all that goes with it. and I added Jason as a test for his character...
1. Peter

AN: Again, I'm –much- more familiar with the LA version of Bare, so some things come directly from that and don't even make sense in the NY version… you'll have to just deal with that cause I'm to lazy to make sure things match up in both versions…

And someone just tell me if I worked this out right... the feast of the Epiphany is Jan. 6th, so if that's two weeks after Nadia and Jason's b-day, that makes their birthday the day before Christmas right?

Warning: This was my first attempt at getting into Peter's head... more of a practice than an actual fic, just me trying to understand who he is so I can get better at writing for him… I'm only posting it because there really is no where else to get Barefic at the moment… un-betaed

Disclaimer: I don't own it... Like you didn't know that

Peter picked up the phone for the third time, finally letting the call go all the way through.

"Hello?"

"Jason?"

There was a pause before a much quieter Jason spoke again. "Hey I can't talk right now. The whole family's over."

"Ya, no, I just wanted to…"

"It's really not a good time I'll call you later, okay?"

"Don't hang up! I need to talk to my…"

Jason cut Peter off sharply. "Peter! Don't, okay? Just… don't. I'll call you _later_, alright?"

Peter let out a small, defeated sigh. "Ya, okay. We'll talk later… Love you."

"You too. Later." Peter waited until heard the dial tone to hang up the phone, once again sitting alone in the kitchen. He grabbed a pad of paper and pen from its spot by the phone, doodling random nothings until his mom came into the kitchen, sporting the same forced smile she always wore.

"Hey honey!" She was either oblivious to how depressed her son obviously looked, or she chose it ignore it, finding more important things to focus on than, such as the pie in the oven. "Ohh this smells good. It'll be cool in just a few minutes if you'd like a slice."

"No thanks mom." He dropped the pencil onto the paper, crinkling um the page with Jason's name sketched all over it. He watched as she set the pie on top of the stove, pulling out two plates, again ignoring what he had said entirely. He would have repeated himself, but she would ignore him again. He was all to use to it. Rather than repeat himself, he just stood up. "I'll be up in my room mom."

She turned to him with a small smile. "Don't you want some pie?"

"No thanks mom. I'll be up in my room." Without waiting for her to respond again, he turned out of the kitchen, making his way to his bedroom and locking the door before falling on his bed.

And here he was, hiding in his room again, just as he was always hiding. This wasn't fair. He was finally comfortable enough with himself to admit who he truly was, and the same person who helped him realize who he was, was the same person keeping him from being who is. He thought back on all the moments before him and Jason were 'them'. For all the time that Peter thought he would ultimately be punished for loving Jason, and Jason telling him that nothing that felt this good could be bad. All the time that he tried to find another word for what he was, because 'gay' just sounded too wrong. All the time that he dove head first into his school work so that he wouldn't have room in his head to think of his feelings.

And all this time, it was Jason telling him that everything would be okay. Taking his hand and making him see that you can't deny love for very long. And now it was Jason telling him to hide. Telling him that he wasn't allowed to shout his feelings from the roof tops.

And if it were anyone else, he would have ignored them and done when he felt was right. But this was Jason. He couldn't just ignore him, and he couldn't tell him to fuck off. Jason was too afraid to be himself. He had a deep desire to be accepted. It didn't matter that Peter loved him, that he would be there no matter what, help him through, just as he had helped Peter. Jason needed everyone else to love him, and Peter would never be enough to fill that desire.

Peter buried his head into his pillow, wiping his tears away and closing his eyes tightly and willing himself to sleep.

Peter was startled awake by a vibration in his sweater pocket, followed by a sharp ringing. He pulled his phone from his pocket and held it to his ear, not even looking to the caller id. "Hello?" His voice came out groggy and strung together.

"Hey babe. Did I wake you or something?"

He sat up and brushed the sleep from his eyes, looking to the clock on his night stand. Nine. Shit, he had been sleeping for seven hours. He was going to have a hard time getting to sleep tonight. "What, are you alone now?" Of course he was alone. He wouldn't have called him babe is anyone else was around.

If Peter had sounded bitter with his last comment, Jason didn't let on that he had caught it. "No, Nadia's upstairs." He was playful if nothing else.

"Where are your parents?"

"They brought my grandparents to the air port. They've been here all week. I'm finally getting my room back tonight."

"Well that sounds fun."

"If you think sleeping on the couch when you have a perfectly good bed upstairs is fun. How's your bed?" You could hear the smirk in his voice.

But Peter just rolled his eyes. "I meant having your grandparents over."

"I know what you meant, but why talk about my grandparents when we can talk about being in bed? That's just going to cause an aversion."

Jason laughed and Peter felt his wall crumbling. Jason had a great laugh. "I guess."

"So how's break been?"

"You mean for the past week and a half since you last called?"

"Don't blame the fact that we haven't talked on me. I told you, we've had stuff going on this past week. And you could have called me."

"And what, risk your parents picking up?"

"My parents are never around to pick up Peter. I've just been busy, okay?"

"Sure." Peter rubbed the palms of his hands over his temples, balancing the phone between his cheek and shoulder. "Why don't…"

Jason cut him off again. "I can't wait to see you next week."

Every time they argued, Jason tried to end it by saying something cute, sweet, or flirtatious. It really sucked that it always worked, something Peter knew all too well as a smile spread across his face. "Ya, you too."

"So did you get everything you wanted?"

Peter looked to the small pile of new things yet to be put away on his desk. "Ya, pretty much." It had been a good Christmas this year. And he got along great with his mom if they weren't having a serious conversation about his personal life. They could talk about anything else, but like Jason, his mom always changed the subject if it got too serious. "What about you? Get anything good?"

"Ohh come on, you know my parents never remember these holidays. I'll get something closer to my birthday."

"How do they forget Christmas if you had company for the holiday?"

"Well, they remembered the whole 'Christmas Party for the friends and family' thing. They just didn't remember presents. My grandparents got me a new basketball and a bible though, and then quizzed me to see if I paid attention in church." There was a small sigh on Jason's end of the phone. "Ya, good times this vacation."

Peter laughed and swung his feet over the edge of the bed, making his way to his desk and picking up the new bible he had also gotten for Christmas. "What did Nadia get?"

"Same bible. And then some hairy thing that I think goes to her cello. Looked boring to me, but she was pretty excited. And we haven't gotten her to shut up on that stupid thing all break." Jason was trying to sound annoyed, but you could hear the playfulness in his voice. "I think she misses school."

"Same here." Peter would rather be in school any day that hiding in his room so that he didn't ramble on to himself about things that mattered while his mom talked about the weather. And he didn't see his father much. He worked all through the holidays, but he was never much of a family guy, so that was just one more thing Peter was all too used to. "Don't you miss school?" Jason never talked as if he really liked being home. Maybe that was because the only person he had there was his sister. And there was only so much of her that even Jason could take.

"I miss _you_." He accented the last word, his voice making Peter melt a little bit. "And we always miss my birthday because of stupid Christmas break."

Peter smiled, raising one eyebrow. "But we already celebrated your birthday."

"I think we should celebrate it again." There was a pause, and Peter could just see the cocky grin on Jason's face. "And then again."

"How many birthdays do you think you get?"

"Well then it'll be a Christmas thing… or a Tuesday thing."

"_Nadia, Jason, we're home!"_

"Shit, I gotta go. The parents are home. I'll call you tomorrow or something, okay?"

Peter used the same defeated sigh he had earlier on the phone. "Okay. I love you."

"Ya you too." Jason hung up and Peter closed his phone slowly. He understood why Jason never said I love you back on the phone. Well, maybe not understood, but at least knew why. So he wondered, if you're afraid to say it, is there any way it can be true? If Jason could only admit to love when they were alone together at night, did that mean that that would forever be the only time and place that they could be in love? And what if that meant the same for him? He was willing to tell who he really was, but he was more afraid than even he knew. No, it wasn't true for him. Because he was willing, unlike Jason. This would be so much easier if he wasn't in love with Jason. Then he could just ignore him or tell him to fuck off. But he couldn't, because what if Jason actually left?

A shiver ran up and down Peter's spine, and he suddenly found it very easy to get back to sleep.


	2. Jason

AN: The same as it was with Peter, just a test to get into Jason's head… I don't think I have as good a hold on Jason as Peter… Something about him is tougher to grasp… But I tried…

Disclaimer: Not mine…

Jason let his head fall back against the couch. Nadia was leaning against his shoulder in exaggerated boredom, the back of her hand against her forehead.

Their grandparents sat on the sofa across from them, tisking at their slack appearances. "You know, you kids get off too easy. When we were kids…"

Nadia stood up sharply. "I know what? I forgot that I have things to do… far away." She did an obnoxious curtsey, which no one found funny but Jason, and left the room.

Jason's grandfather shook his head as Nadia walked out. "That attitude of hers is going to get her in a mess of trouble." He looked to Jason with a set frown. "Where does she get all that spite from?"

Jason rolled his eyes, forcing himself not to back talk his grandfather on what a horrible daughter they had given those two as a mother. He was about to respond when the phone rang. He leaned, a bit too eagerly, over the arm of the couch and snatched up the phone. "Hello?"

"Jason?"

Jason looked up at his grandparents, clamping his hand over the phone. "I'll be right back." He stood and walked out into the hall, sitting on the stairs. He spoke in a hushed voice, so that his grandparents wouldn't over hear. "Hey I can't talk right now. The whole family's over."

"Ya, no, I just wanted to…"

"It's really not a good time I'll call you later, okay?"

"Don't hang up! I need to talk to my…" He hated the way Peter's voice sounded right now. He was desperate for something that only Jason could give him, but he wasn't ready to. Peter just didn't understand what it was like for Jason.

He cut Peter off sharply. "Peter! Don't, okay? Just… don't. I'll call you _later_, alright?"

It broke his heart a little to hear Peter's small, defeated sigh. "Ya, okay. We'll talk later… Love you."

"You too. Later." Jason hung up quickly and hopped up off the stairs, returning to the living room, only long enough to hang the phone back up. He was half way back out of the room when his grandma called back to him.

"Who was on the phone dear?"

"Just a friend from school." Just a friend. And so much more. Jason could see the heart broken look on Peter's face, but he waved his hand dismissingly at his grandma. "I'm gonna go out for a bit. I'll be back by dinner." He didn't normally alert anyone when he was going out, maybe Nadia, but he wanted to be alone right now, and if he told Nadia, she'd probably want to get out of the house with him. So he just grabbed his coat and wallet from his desk and ran from the house before anyone had time to notice he was leaving.

He continued to run down the street until he came to the corner, stopping only to catch his breath, letting the cold air sting his lungs. He didn't usually like being alone. He liked the crowd, everyone liked him in the crowd, but sometimes, mainly when Peter talked about coming out, Jason felt a desire to sink just a bit.

"Hey Jason!"

With a heavy sigh, Jason turned, transforming his 'put out' look into a smile in mid turn, raising his hand in a wave to his neighbor Abby. "Hey Abby. You're looking lovely as ever." Her bleached hair hung just past her shoulders, dressed in a pink sweater and jeans hanging low on her hips. He could see how that would be attractive. He wanted to be attracted to someone like her. She was pretty, nice body, great personality, smart, everything he should want in a girlfriend, obvious complications aside.

"Thanks." He could see a blush forming on Abby's cheeks as she walked closer to him. "So I was wondering, I'm on my way to the mall, and I was hoping for some company." She held her hands behind her back, tilting her head up at him expectantly.

Jason smiled back, forgetting that he had wanted to be alone as he held his arm out to her. "Well let's get going. It's cold out here, and you don't have a jacket." She hooked her arm around his, looking down to hide her blush. As their hands brushed across each other, he felt how cold her hands were and pulled away, pulling off his jacket. "You know Abbs, December in Massachusetts is not the best time to go jacket less." He draped his coat around her shoulders, brushing his finger under her chin. "Wouldn't want that pretty face of yours to freeze."

"Thanks Jason."

Jason's stomach lurched at the look Abby gave him, but he brushed it off as the cold, since he was left in nothing but a tee-shirt and a sweatshirt. He pulled the sleeves of the sweatshirt down over his hands as they began to walk toward the mall, looking down to see a small tear in the left sleeve, where the thumb would go through. He pushed his thumb through it, laughing softly. Peter cut a hole in the sleeve so that if it was cold, he could have his hand covered, and still be able to grip a pen if he was working.

He looked over to Abby, who was walking just a bit too close to him, not that he would ever tell her to back off. And anyways, this is the type of thing he should be doing. He should be walking places with his girlfriend, making sure she wasn't cold, buying her a pretzel at the mall. Those were normal girlfriend/boyfriend activities. It wasn't normal to have to lock the doors and close all the blinds just to give you're boyfriend a kiss. He wanted to be able to walk outside during the day, holding hands with Peter, but he knew that would never happen. Not ever. There was nothing normal about the way he felt about Peter. And if he wasn't so in love with him, he wouldn't have to work this hard to make other people think he was normal. He could just be normal.

But if he really felt that way, why had he spent all that time getting Peter to see that it was okay to feel these things? But that was just it. It was okay to feel them; it wasn't okay to share them. It was worth the effort to keep the secret if it meant Jason could have both Peter, and the popularity. Why couldn't Peter just be happy with that? Everyone loved Peter too. Maybe not in the same way, but he had friends, everyone loved and trusted him. Why did he want to mess with that? Why couldn't they have that by day, and just be together at night. Jason didn't see what was so special about if he was kissing Peter in their room, or out on the school lawn. He saw how it would be embarrassing, degrading even, but not special. Not the way Peter tried to make it sound.

"You okay?"

Jason looked up with a start and shook his head. "Sorry what?"

"Nothing, we've just been walking for ten minutes and you haven't said anything." She bit her lip, cocking her head curiously.

"Ohh I was just thinking about… things. S'all good now." He smiled, rather convincingly, and nodded his head toward the mall, picking up his stride again with Abby following along side him. "So you looking for anything special?"

"I got some money for Christmas and just felt like getting out of the house for a bit." Abby continued to ramble on, but Jason soon lost interest in what she was saying once she started listing all the articles of clothing she wanted to try on, including detailed lists of how they would make her ass look smaller and her chest larger.

After a few hours at the mall with Abby, being utterly bored waiting while she tried on all her tops, which he was fairly sure showed too much skin, but he would tell her that, and a _long_ family dinner, Jason took a long shower and fell back on his bed, grabbing his phone and flipping the top up, dialing Peter's phone number with a smile spreading across his face.

With all the shit about coming out and being able to kiss in public, Peter had a calming effect on Jason. When they were together, not talking about those topics that is, it felt like everything would be okay. It wasn't as if he didn't usually have a good time with Abby, or other girls, if they weren't trying on clothes that is. He normally did. It just wasn't anything more than that; it wasn't what it was with Peter.

"Hello?" Peter's voice came out groggy and strung together.

"Hey babe. Did I wake you or something?" Jason sat up, wrapping his towel around his waist so it didn't fall off.

"What, are you alone now?"

Jason ignored the bitter edge to Peter's voice. If he could avoid an argument right now, he was going to. "No, Nadia's upstairs."

"Where are your parents?"

"They brought my grandparents to the air port. They've been here all week. I'm finally getting my room back tonight." He had washed all his sheets that morning, finding something just a bit weird about sleeping in them after his grandparents.

"Well that sounds fun."

"If you think sleeping on the couch when you have a perfectly good bed upstairs is fun. How's your bed?" Jason smirked to himself and settled back onto his pillows, crossing his legs under him.

"I meant having your grandparents over."

Jason rolled his eyes, still attempting to sound playful. "I know what you meant, but why talk about my grandparents when we can talk about being in bed? That's just going to cause an aversion." He laughed shortly into the phone.

Peter was quiet before replying hesitantly. "I guess."

"So how's break been?"

"You mean for the past week and a half since you last called?"

Jason's brows drew together in a slight frown. _Don't raise your voice, don't start an argument._ He always seemed to get all the blame for every argument. Why couldn't Peter just be content like Jason? "Don't blame the fact that we haven't talked on me. I told you, we've had stuff going on this past week. And you could have called me."

"And what, risk your parents picking up?"

Jason scoffed into the phone. Like his parents answered the phone. If they were ever home, they had secretaries and answering machines. They would never be so personal as to pick up the phone without knowing it was worth their time. "My parents are never around to pick up Peter. I've just been busy, okay?"

"Sure. Why don't…"

Jason cut him off again. "I can't wait to see you next week." He smiled, putting a flirtatious edge to his words. He could usually get away with anything he wanted by using this tone with Peter.

"Ya, you too." He could hear the smile in Peter's voice, taking that as a good sign for civil conversation.

"So did you get everything you wanted?"

"Ya, pretty much.What about you? Get anything good?"

"Ohh come on, you know my parents never remember these holidays. I'll get something closer to my birthday."

"How do they forget Christmas if you had company for the holiday?"

"Well, they remembered the whole 'Christmas Party for the friends and family' thing. They just didn't remember presents." There had been a big party, all the important business persons were there, and Jason and Nadia sat at the top of the stairs, Nadia throwing grapes at guests, throughout the entire thing, before getting bored and deciding to just watch movies in Nadia's room. "My grandparents got me a new basketball and a bible though, and then quizzed me to see if I paid attention in church." He was pretty sure they only got him the basketball so that he would shovel the driveway, since that was the only way he could use the ball, seeing as though the court was covered in snow. Jason sighed sarcastically on his end. "Ya, good times this vacation."

He heard Peter laugh. Apparently his sarcasm was getting him back on Peter's good side. "What did Nadia get?"

"Same bible. And then some hairy thing that I think goes to her cello. Looked boring to me, but she was pretty excited. And we haven't gotten her to shut up on that stupid thing all break." Sure, it had been annoying, but it was also funny as all hell when she locked herself in her room and played it for hours, singing at the top of her lungs completely out of tune, and watching his parents and grandparents try to either ignore her or get her to stop. But in all honesty, she probably couldn't hear them. "I think she misses school."

"Same here. Don't you miss school?"

"I miss _you_." He accented the last word, making sure Peter knew what he meant. "And we always miss my birthday because of stupid Christmas break."

"But we already celebrated your birthday." He could hear the questioning edge to Peter's voice, meaning he knew full and well what Jason had meant.

"I think we should celebrate it again." A cocky grin spread over Jason's face as he slid further down on his bed, closing his eyes and thinking back on the day before they left for break when they celebrated his birthday. It was pretty much worth it, aside from the fact that celebrating it early meant her was alone for his actual birthday. Not that going to the arcade with Nadia wasn't fun. It was just a _totally_ different kind of fun. "And then again."

"How many birthdays do you think you get?"

"Well then it'll be a Christmas thing… or a Tuesday thing." Any anytime thing, really.

"_Nadia, Jason, we're home!" _

Jason sat up sharply, his eyes darting open when he heard his parents call. "Shit, I gotta go. The parents are home. I'll call you tomorrow or something, okay?"

Peter sighed. "Okay… I love you."

Jason wanted to tell him it was going to be okay, that they would get back together in a few days, and everything would be just fine. They would have each other by night, and they would deal with the days the way they always had. But all that came out was a slightly annoyed sigh. "Ya you too." Jason hung up and ran to get dressed. It didn't even register in his mind his response to 'I love you'. He was too used to hiding his feelings for Peter. They were there. Peter had to know that much. He just wanted it to be easy. Why did Peter have this need to make love hard? It worked the way that had it. Why mess with what worked? They would get back together in a few days and everything would be fine.

Jason continued to tell himself that last part, making sure he himself believed it before he let his mind wander to other things.


End file.
